Crushing
by jayjaybee
Summary: In which Lorraine's gaydar fails spectacularly.


It's a thing she does, a habit she has. Some would call it a bad habit, but Lorraine doesn't think that way. It's just what she does.

It's no strings, it's uncomplicated, it's fun. It's safe.

No-one gets confused, no-one gets messed around, no-one gets let down. No-one gets hurt.

It doesn't take too much time. It doesn't demand too much of her. It can be picked up and put down as she likes. It doesn't pull her away from her work unneccessarily, and when it does combine with work, it's a pleasant distraction rather than something - well, something more complicated.

Sure, there are times that she might get lonely, but she's so busy she tells herself that doesn't matter. And the benefits of this thing she does - this crushing on, and flirting with straight women - far outweigh the disadvantages.

That's what she tells herself.

* * *

She first sees Sian when she goes to pitch her idea of the school to Michael. She likes her immediately, and she's thrilled when she agrees to come to Scotland.

And so, it starts.

There are hugs and casual touches, and entirely platonic friendly kisses. There are shared glances, and jokes, and laughter.

Every week (and sometimes more often) they'll go for dinner, and usually Michael will come too, but he leaves early and the two of them will stay in the restaurant or the pub talking and laughing until closing time.

When she needs a date for an event, it's Sian she turns to, selling it to her as an opportunity to meet men, but secretly revelling in the knowledge that Sian, beautiful and glamorous, will be arriving and leaving with her. And when Sian pulls out, she's gutted but she doesn't let on, and takes her anger out on Michael and anyone else who comes near.

She pushes it a bit too hard, maybe, because after a while it seems like Sian's gone cold on her, and doesn't want to see her quite so often, making excuses for not coming to dinner, and not returning her calls. So Lorraine pulls herself back: she knows she's gone into this too hard, too quickly, and so she sets Sian up with Ray, and when Ray screws it up as she half-suspected he would, she's there as the concerned friend, ready to offer moral support.

When the police charge Michael over his father's death they disagree about what he's done, but Lorraine can't help but admire Sian's morality, her depth of conscience, and when Michael threatens to resign, it is, obviously, Sian she thinks of as a replacement.

By that time, though, the thing with Sian has perhaps run its course. Or maybe it's just that things change when Lorraine goes to meet the new head of the PRU on the first day of the new term.

Nikki's nothing like Sian.

Where Sian's caring and kind, Nikki's prickly and combative; where Sian was open and friendly from the start, Nikki holds her - holds everyone - at arm's length.

But there's passion and heart there beneath the control and authority; there's a dogged commitment to even the hopeless cases; and of course, there's that perfectly toned body.

Lorraine finds her intriguing, and, though they're never going to fall into the same kind of easy friendship she has with Sian, she finds herself seeking out Nikki again and again - talking to her about the kids in the PRU, consulting with her over the open evening, commiserating with her as a fellow victim of the car-theft crime wave.

She sets Nikki tests, to see how she reacts. She springs a last minute report on her, she threatens to close down the PRU. It's all to see what Nikki'll do. It's all to get Nikki to notice her.

And it works.

Nikki fights back, every time. Every challenge Lorraine sets her, Nikki stands up and looks her in the face - and every time she does that, Lorraine fights the urge to fall at her feet and instead, coolly lets herself be persuaded by whatever Nikki says.

Nikki asks her for things. That doesn't normally happen. Normally it's Lorraine doing the running in these situations, but Nikki starts to come looking for her.

Nikki asks her to the PRU showcase and Lorraine throws off half-a-dozen important meetings but she doesn't care, because she gets to spend the hour of the presentations sat next to Nikki, and when Nikki leans across her to confer with Michael, Lorraine gets to drink in her smell, feel her warmth, imagine the touch of her skin.

She's got it bad.

After, she flirts with Nikki, and Nikki smiles, and laughs, and flirts back. And Lorraine wonders - what if - what if I asked her out for a drink? what if - what if I asked her out?

But she doesn't.

Because the thought of that is too terrifying.

Because it wouldn't be like asking Sian out to dinner or drinks, because that had been an organic development of their working friendship, and really, it had been two friends out for a good time.

Because asking Nikki out wouldn't simply be drinks, or dinner.

Because asking Nikki out would be too much like asking her out on a date.

Because she _would_ be asking her out on a date.

So Lorraine doesn't ask her.

And she tells herself it doesn't matter, anyway, because Nikki's straight.


End file.
